When do we find ourselves in an emotionally devastating situation where our hearts are just so heavy that our entire physical being shows that heaviness? Do you pray to God to utilize you, too? That is exactly where we find Hannah in the first chapter of 1 Samuel. She is so down in her soul and spirit. Her husband, Elkanah, had two wives. The first was Hannah. However, she was barren, meaning she could not carry on his name with children. So, he took on a second wife, Peninnah, to give him children that carried on his name and legacy. This is something that, in those days, gave value and worth to women. Women’s ability to have children for men to carry on their name and legacy showed that they were productive members of the family. Not to mention, women did all of the raising of children collectively, took care of the home chores, and keeping up relationships that are helpful to the family and beneficial to husband.
So given all of this, Hannah felt worthless. Her husband loved her, but didn’t understand why she felt so worthless. He gave her more and cherished her, but he didn’t see why Hannah was so upset, depressed, and sad. He said to her, in essence, “Why, why, why? What about me? Am I not good enough to you?” in verse 8. He didn’t see the root of her distress. He was looking at his actions and not her heart. Let me just say, he was trying, but he was putting bandaids on a gaping wound thinking that it would fix the problem. He was trying to help, but he was looking at her ailment in the wrong context. His love for her was not based on what she did but who she is. He valued her as his wife and not for her productivity. But she still longed for a child.
To add insult to injury, the second wife of her husband provided children. Hannah helped raise these children, too. However, she still wanted to have her own. So she prayed out to God to open her womb – to be productive for her husband whom she loves. She is asking God to utilize her, too. She pours out her heart to Him in spirit. It is not required to verbally speak your prayers to God. He hears you because He is Spirit. So He hears your spirit and heart.
After Elkanah and his family had finished the festivities at Shiloh for the day, Hannah went to the temple to be as close to God as she can and pray to Him regarding this gaping hole in her soul. It so happened that Eli was sitting at the doorpost of the temple. Hannah was praying, crying, and in deep distress, pouring out her spirit to the only One who could do anything about her pain. Eli looks over at her, and says, “How long will you gone on being drunk? Put your wine away from you (v. 14, ESV).” She explains that she is not a worthless, drunken woman, but she has been “pouring out [her] soul before the LORD (v. 15b, ESV).”
What I notice here is that, as an offering, Hannah is “pouring out” her soul like a drink offering to the Lord. Her family had come to Shiloh to worship and sacrifice (give offerings) to the Lord. And here she is, giving the offering of surrender to God. Her offering – her very heart’s desire, her core distress, the value she has of herself in her own heart – was to have a child. She even tells the Lord that she would give her son to the Lord and that no razor would touch his head, which is kind of a Nazarene vow people did back then for their utilization by the Lord.
Eli heard Hannah tell him that she was in deep distress and that she was praying to God. He understood that she had come to the Lord earnestly seeking guidance and an answer. So, Eli told her, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to Him (v. 17, ESV).” Hannah was in desperate need of peace. And Eli, being the prophet of God, let her know what God’s answer was in this blessing. God granted her petition and gave her peace. We find out later that she became pregnant, and she gave birth to Samuel. And then after that had more children, which shows us that God blessed her abundantly.
This chapter illuminated the deep desire in my spirit of being utilized by the church to be useful in glorifying God with my life, my testimony, my family, and my work of love. My core, deepest desire is to come along side women in the body of Christ and help them see in God’s Word things that they might not have seen before. I want to help women understand what God is saying to us in the Bible and in our lives. I have had this burden in my soul for the last 20 years. However, still that door has not been opened to me. There were times I tried to force myself into this door by setting up Women’s Bible studies. However, each time, no one came. I prayed out to God over and over, crying and pouring out my heart to Him. I had shared this with only a handful of people I thought I could trust with this. However, this, too, was shut down and locked. In my spirit, I feel “not good enough”, “not smart enough”, “not trained enough”, “not like the other women that look all put together”, and on and on. This feeling of inferiority leeches into everything. I know that God uses all things for our good and His glory, but I still feel this way. So I go to the only One who understands my hurts and my viewpoint. He also sees what I am capable of. He sees the good things that will come out of this season of locked doors. What is prayed for behind closed doors will be revealed by the Lord. All the glory is the Lord’s; I just want to utilized by Him and brought into His work.
Do you feel as though your spirit is heavy and that you have this deep desire that continues to be unfulfilled? God is listening. He has perfect timing. Are you desperate in this desire? Do you come to the Lord and pour out your spirit before Him, letting Him know all that is in your soul? He hears you regardless of if it is verbal or nonverbal. He hears your spirit. Regardless of what others, say about you or think about you, He sees you.
Gotta go fill up my cup…..
Coffee with Candee 