There are many things that I am afraid of: spiders, snakes, dark alleys… but I am not afraid to suffer. I know that it is only for a small time. It is not forever. I have so much pain and disability right now. And this is something that I must say upfront. There are many that say one should not “speak into existence” the cancer or ailments that I currently have. However, I have to remind those same people that I am not “speaking into existence” anything. It was already in existence. This broken world has already brought into existence these ailments for there is nothing new under the sun, no not one. This was already written into existence a long time before I was created.
That being said, I am thankful I am able to learn from this malady, sickness, cancer, whatever you would like me to refer to it as. I still have the wherewithal to understand the significance it plays in my life and the life of those around me. And like a web or tapestry, its affects touch others past them and the affects of others affect me. I believe that there are reasons outside of our understanding for experiencing suffering and pain for the sake of others. I do not wish to be the reason for someone turning from Jesus.
Now, hear me when I communicate this, I am not stating that anyone needs to experience cancer, sickness, death, or any difficulty in order for another to be brought to Jesus’ saving grace. However, if it is something that would encourage or motivate one to finally see God’s goodness and love and peace, I am not opposed to being used in this way for His Kingdom’s sake. However God wishes to use me for His Good, I grant Him access and permission to use me. I love and honor Him with my everything. And I want all to experience His grace and mercy. I experience it everyday. He is so so good.
Last night, after prayer, I felt restless. I feel as though I should be doing so much more. I feel as though merely living and being treated for cancer, showing up, is the bare minimum. I really want to show more of my dedication to the Lord. I want to open my heart to all with God protecting it from destruction. I want Him to grow me using me to help others come to Him. If the reason behind me getting cancer is to bring others to Him and to help others have a livelihood to live long enough to come to Him, or if it is to simply have a testimonial that will touch someone else, I am happy to be a part of that. And I do believe that some of that is in the reasons as well as other reasons. I am not afraid of hurt or pain or suffering because He has saved me already and I am living eternity right now in His presence.
I love Him with my everything, which is the first commandment from Jesus. The second is to love others (our neighbors which is everyone you come into contact with). However I am able to love others, whether in service or as an example, I want to do that at every moment God allows me.
This all sounds like it may be coming out of left field to those who have been reading my blog since the beginning, but I really felt a pressing on me to communicate this clearly in a post. I felt compelled by the Holy Spirit to let anyone I am able to know that God is using others to help you. He is using all kinds of situations and experiences to reach out to you and help you. If you think about this, and you don’t know if anyone else thinks this way, just know, you are not alone in this. You are one of many. Have a good day.
Gotta go fill up my cup…..