There have been so many instances in my life that I have thought about what it was like to be without cancer versus being with cancer. Before cancer, I was a strong person that was able to help almost everyone I came into contact with. After cancer entered into my life, I became this shell of a person. Even before I was officially diagnosed with cancer, I quickly lost most of what I defined myself as. My pride was forcibly stripped from me. I fought with the most vigor at that than I think I have ever fought against anything in my life. My pride in my reliability and independence was my idol. Expecting perfection, I would do anything and everything I could to keep that reputation and character trait.
It wasn’t until cancer entered that God delivered me of that self-righteous way of thinking and living. It wasn’t until cancer entered that I was forced into a chair with excruciating pain and depression. It wasn’t until cancer entered that I could no longer physically care for anyone including myself. That was when I was delivered from my self reliance and self dependence. I was delivered from the things that boosted the idea that everything and everyone relies on me. I was delivered from the feeling that saying, “if I don’t do it, it won’t/can’t get done.”
God allowed cancer to enter for many purposes including my good and His glory. That purpose ended up being useful for the help and healing of others. What I was meant to do with what I have experienced, what I went through, and what I learned from, led to opening my mind and heart to others in a way that showed them what true life looked like.
I learned that God loves me and goes through everything I go through while being with me. He feels what I feel. He hurts when I hurt. He sees what I see and knows what I know. That is what keeps me going through the process of this life. That is what allows me to have peace and comfort knowing that I have the absolute origin of love with me.
Not only is He with me, He is for me. He is supporting me. He is encouraging me and holding me. He is providing for me and protecting me. And I don’t mean the physical shell of a person that I am. I mean the real me – the thinking, feeling, hurting, laughing, crying, hoping, praying me.
Most nights, right as I lay down in bed, I do an internal reflection of my thoughts, words, and actions throughout the day. Inevitably, this practice leads me back to past events where I have done things that have possibly been bad decisions. And one of those poor decisions is not chasing down a different doctor when the symptoms of cancer first began. I realize, I did not know that I had cancer at the time. I just knew that something was wrong. I should have and could have been more diligent in my personal health had I not had so many other things that I prioritized over it. Some of these things were very important things like taking care of my family. But sometimes, those things that seem of utmost importance can drown out the physical and internal screams coming from oneself.
God used something to force me to look at what was causing the pain and what was pulling me away from my relationship with Him. He used this specifically for me because it was the only way to get my attention. And I was only able to see this in hindsight. It was only after the storm of cancer that I was able to see the relationships with Him, with my spouse, with my children, with my family, and with my friends were fraying.
We were created for relationship. And we can clearly see this in Jesus clearly stating the first and second greatest commandments noted in Matthew 22:37-40, which says:
Jesus said to him, “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
I wasn’t loving God with my everything. I wasn’t giving Him my reputation. Even though I was doing good deeds and saying good things, I was still holding on to my pride in myself. I wasn’t loving my neighbor as myself because I was not loving myself physically or emotionally. I was loving my reputation as “the one to go to for help.” And with that, I was taking glory from God and putting in on myself as a savior of sorts. No, I couldn’t heal the blind or walk on water, but I could give my time, talent, and treasure for the sake of my reputation, which ultimately was rooted in self-serving glory. And God is jealous for His glory because He alone is worthy and deserves it.
So in the only way God could reach the core issue that was causing distress in my relationships, He used the horrible thing that was already happening in my body as a result of my own doing, and He ministered to me. He redirected me back to Him, and He healed what needed to be healed: relationship.
Gotta go fill up my cup…..
Coffee with Candee 