Over the last month, I have been searching diligently for something that I believe most everyone is looking for. It is something that I think that I have plenty of until I don’t have it. The thing is, it’s not something that I can just go to the store and buy more of. It is not something that I can order online. This is something that is not even made. It is something that I don’t even know how much of it I have until I don’t have anymore of it.
I am talking about time. Time has gone by so quickly over the last month. Actually, it seems like it has gone by so very quickly over the last couple of years really. And I guess it makes sense. It is all about perspective. I thought I had so much time to do everything in life. I thought that I could work a lot while I was young, and then I could live when I got a bit older. However, that is not how it worked out. At least, not the way I expected.
From my perspective back then, I couldn’t see the giant part of my life that I was missing out on. Which brings me to why I began this in the first place. I began this to look back on what happened over time, learn from it, and grow, all while hoping that my experiences help others as well. Something that my husband says to the boys is, “There is only two ways you learn: from bumping your head or learning from someone who bumped their head.”
To be fully clear, I started thinking about perspective when I was on my porch admiring the full moon in the sky next to Jupiter last night. It was such a beautiful, clear night. There was a slight chill in the air due to it being October. This season is my favorite season for so many reasons, but one of them is for the nights like last night. These types of nights cause me to reflect on anything from life to death and everything in between. And when that happens, I need to write.
And now that you know how I came to this topic of time, let me share with you the big part that I was missing. There are many smaller things that I didn’t seem to prioritize like I should have. However, one of the most important parts was my relationship with my children. I was missing out on so many things in their lives, and had I continued down that path, I would have missed out on so very much more. I had no idea how little I was getting to spend with them until cancer happened. It forced me to stay home as opposed to working outside of the home.
I loved what I did so much. I helped others in some of their most difficult, most vulnerable times. And it was amazing to see the transformations when they happened as well as very heart breaking when healing just wasn’t possible. However, it took a giant toll on relationships, including the ones with my children. Now I am not saying that our relationships were bad. What I mean is I was giving them the leftovers of myself. I would give so much of myself to my patients and coworkers. And by the time I got home, I was drained physically and emotionally. I barely had enough energy to hug them, take a shower, and go to bed just to get back up early in the morning to do again. In those days, I kept looking for, searching for, and praying for time.
Then a series of seemingly unfortunate events led me to where I am today. I am there for my husband and my children more fully than I was before. I am there to pick up the boys from school if need be. If my guys have a doctor’s appointment or a dentist’s appointment, I am able to take them and hold their hand if need be. I am home to read them a bedtime story before bed. I am there in the morning to make their lunches before they go to school. I am able to laugh with them, dance with them, sing with them, and more. So really, I guess I can get more time. It just depends on my perspective.
Gotta go fill up my cup…..