Inside your mother’s womb, you were being formed and fashioned. Each day that went by was yet another milestone toward the ultimate goal of being born. And while there, each and every body part – each hand and finger, each foot and toe, each organ and bone, each facial feature – was taking shape in a way that was unique to yourself alone. Not only were the physical parts being made, your neural pathways were created in such a way that you think and feel specific to your own wants and needs. And even though your mother can see a rendering of you on the ultrasound (regardless if it was 2D or 3D), she not actually see you. But, God saw you. More so, God formed you, knitted you together, and wrote in His book all the days of your life.
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance, in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." (Psalm 139:13-16 ESV)
Even before I was born, He knew what kind of life I would live. He knew my features, my quirks, and where every freckle would be. He knew that I would not like mornings, and He knew that I would delight in coffee and reading. He knew who my husband would be and how many children I would have. He knew because He made me. He knew because He made my husband and children. He knew because He knows me. In His infinite wisdom and sovereignty, He knew I would be who I am today.
There was one Sunday I remember when, as a kid, I went to church with my grandparents. I remember the Sunday School teacher reading Psalm 139:13-14a. She was teaching us that we were “fearfully and wonderfully made” by God. Then I got older, and when I entered my teenage years, of course, I thought I knew everything, and I forgot about this passage. I thought that my parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, teachers, etc. didn’t know me like I do. I thought, “No one knows me.” They told me that my actions were supposed to be honoring to God. To me, my thoughts were not seen by anyone but me.
I had done things that definitely were not honoring. And my thoughts at that time were atrocious. I was judgmental and snarky in thought. You couldn’t tell though. I always wore the mask I thought I was supposed to wear. I was the obedient, straight A student who worked a lot and took care of my siblings. I never got in trouble. For all intents and purposes, on the outside I was a role model. But on the inside, I was a mess. As I entered into adulthood, it only got worse and leached into some of my actions. I thought so lowly of myself, and I thought no one else cared about me. I began to be pushed and pulled by wherever the waves of the world went. And the more bad decisions I made, the more lowly I felt about myself. This went on until I felt nothing but shame and guilt. But still, most of the time, my outward appearance was that of a “good person.” Unbeknownst to everyone else, my thought life was dark and scary.
It wasn’t until Jesus entered the picture that I was thoroughly cleansed, and boy oh boy did He have His work cut out for Him. My thought life was musty, dusty, and crusty to say the least. There were so many deep scars I had from not only others but from myself as well. There were so many grimy, gross thoughts that I continued to have, but less and less each day I prayed and read the Bible. Eventually, the more God shined His luminous love on those dark areas in my mind, the less they became.
King David wrote Psalm 139 as a praise hymn. Most people that I talk to read this with joy focusing on the “fearfully and wonderfully made” part that I heard of in Sunday school. But, when I first read its entirety while seeking God with my whole heart, I was petrified. I was sorrowful. If I would have rent my clothes and sat in sackcloth and ashes while fasting. That’s a strange illustration, I know. But I am a bit different. I didn’t feel worthy of His love and attention. I felt that all of those thoughts and actions I had that were not God-honoring were like stabbing God in the front and back. I felt that all of the thoughts that God has for me we of disappointment rather than approval. I had so much to repent of. And the part that really made my heart drop was verse 23: “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!”
I didn’t want anyone to know my thoughts, especially God. My thoughts were that of Rated-R horror movies. There was no way that I wanted God to search my disgusting heart. but, I needed Him to cleanse me and rid my mind of all of these things. More than anything, I needed His love and acceptance. All that I had done and all that I thought were destructive not to Him, but to me. I was hurting myself with all of it. So I gave Him access to the deepest recesses of my heart and mind, body and soul, strength and spirit. All of me was His to do with as He wills.
After many years of walking with Him, making mistakes and repenting while accepting forgiveness, learning from Him, learning about Him, accepting His pure love, I can finally read this psalm as King David wrote it. I can finally say: “Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well (v. 14b).” Now, my soul knows Him and His wonderful works. Only God can do these wonderful works. I can also say: “O LORD, you have searched me and known me! (v. 1)” He fully knows me before I even knew myself, and He fully loves me. That is something that I completely, finally accept. He loves even me, raggedy, messy, silly me. And guess what? He loves you, too. Seriously, truly, and fully. He loves you more than you know.
Gotta go fill up my cup…..
Coffee with Candee 