Recently, I have been going back to my notes section of my phone. Usually, while I am reading my Bible on my phone, I make a little note of something that God reveals to me. And usually, it’s something that I need to work on in my life. At the time of this particular note, I was thinking about writing a book about my experience at that time, and how I was hurting so much not knowing what was wrong with my body.
So, we are going all the way back to October 4, 2017. In this season, my hip was fractured as well as some of my vertebrae (back bones). It was becoming increasingly difficult to move much less walk. The doctors that “cared” for me at that time just told me to do more physical therapy. They assumed that I was just sitting around getting weaker and weaker.
For those that don’t know, I have four sons with the youngest – at that time – being only three years old. My husband was not home a lot. He worked from 10:30am to 8pm. During the day, he would come home from 2:00pm to 3:30pm and take a nap. So I took care of my sons. The washer and dryer were in the basement, and thankfully my oldest son was old enough to do the laundry and help with the younger ones.
Side note: if it wasn’t for God and my oldest, I probably would not be alive today. He is not an angel or perfect, but he was an immovable support during the darkest time of my life. But that is for another post.
On that day, I was reading 1 Kings chapters 17-19. I got a lot out of that day while my littlest was napping and my other ones were at school. The quiet really helped me to focus. The verses I want to highlight today are from chapter 19 verses 11-13. They say, “And he said, ‘Go out and stand on the mount before the LORD,’ And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. And After the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, ‘What are you doing here, Elijah?'”
The main point I got out of this is, “He is that small still distinct voice: don’t be troubled with all the noise.” That is what God told me in that very moment that I was struggling with. There was so much calamity and distress along with so many people telling me different things about what was going on with me. I was losing control of everything around me. My body was breaking and shutting down, but no one believed me and I began to doubt myself. My relationships were breaking and shutting down as I became more isolated unable to drive, walk, or even move. My marriage was breaking and shutting down as he worked and had to take on the role of provider now. He had never done that in our relationship. It was new for him and stretched him. In stretching, he began to lash out, and he began to get bitter. In looking for comfort and guidance, he would talk to many others about what he was feeling and going through, and those well-meaning people would tell him things like, “maybe she just doesn’t want to work anymore; maybe she just wants to live off of you; maybe she is crazy; maybe she is just lazy.” My spirit was breaking and shutting down because I thought I had been forgotten by God. I thought I had done something to deserve this.
So all of these “strong winds”, “earthquakes”, and “fires” were going on all around me, and I thought all was lost. I thought I was no good for use anymore. I was rubbish, refuse, trash, garbage, and now a burden when I had before all of this carried my family. And then “the sound of a low whisper” came to me and said, “You are not forgotten. I love you. There is purpose and value in you. You are one of my most valuable creations. And you are not alone.”
It took me a while to accept that and to believe it. Now, I know it deep within me. During that time, my body was breaking down due to cancer, and the “doctors” that were “caring” for me, did not look into why my body was breaking down, why my potassium was so low multiple times including one near lethal level that landed me in the hospital for a week, why I was in so much pain, and here is the big one, why I was eight inches shorter in height within a year and a half. It was about a year later from this note that I was able to see a different primary care physician, and within a month of seeing her, I saw my Multiple Myeloma Specialist for the first time. And from then on, I began to get better and have a better quality of life.
The details of my experience with cancer will be another post, but the main point of this is that God speaks to us. The hard part is trying to hear Him through all of the crises and loud distractions. I think that is why it is incredibly important to try to find time daily to have a quiet, still time to hear from him while praying, reading God’s word and meditating. It can’t save your life like it did mine.
Gotta go fill up my cup…